The Curse of the Compliment

I recently had a meeting with a client that I hadn’t seen in a little over a year. These meetings usually involve several people, some of whom I have met before, some of whom are new. When you do a lot of these it’s hard to remember all the names and faces and more than once I have put my foot it in by brightly saying “It’s nice to meet you” as I greet someone who then points out that we’ve met before – maybe more than once!

I hate to appear rude and make people feel uncomfortable so while I work on a) having a better memory and b) keeping better records of my meetings so I can review them before I make return visits, I’ve learned to use more noncommittal phrases such as “So nice to see you” or “So glad you could join us today” instead of referring in any way to whether or not I’ve met them before. Not only is it good business to make people feel that they are important enough for you to remember them – it’s just good manners. And the purpose of manners is to make everyone feel more comfortable.

Which brings me to the subject of this post! In this meeting a woman walked in a little later than four of her male colleagues who were already seated around the conference table. And as I stood to shake her hand and introduce myself she made it perfectly clear that we had met before by saying “Hi. We met when you visited last year. But you’ve lost a lot of weight since then.”

Every eye in the room now turned to look at me.....

.... and in a way that made me feel like you do after one of those dreams in which you suddenly realize that you are naked in public. When I present at these sorts of meetings I am used to people looking at me – they are supposed to be looking at me – but this comment somehow issued an invitation to assess my appearance and look at me in a way that was as unwelcome as it was uncomfortable.

Humor is always the best way to deflect such situations and so I smiled and made some comment about not being able to blame the “baby weight” anymore by the time your child is in school and we all moved on but the situation stayed in my mind and as soon as we had departed the colleague who had attended the meeting with me also commented on how awkward it had been. Truth of the matter is, as much as we all devote a lot of time, thought and energy towards being professional, presentable and attractive -we’re ambivalent at best about being complimented on our appearance in work situations. The woman from the meeting was right. I had lost a lot of weight over the last year and it was a deliberate health-related decision that took an enormous amount of commitment and effort. And she wasn’t the only person to comment on it though few had done so in such a bald fashion. But every time a work colleague raised the issue, their attempt to compliment me usually left me feeling put-off.

“You  look so trim.” “How much weight have you lost?” “How did you do it?”  Generally such questions were made one on one and if I thought the person had a genuine interest in exploring different weight loss strategies I’d offer some insight but it felt rather weird as a mid-life woman to be talking calorie counting with younger male colleagues. “You look great. No, really.” These kind of comments were often more public and while I could recognize the genuine attempt to pay a compliment and simply respond with a “Thank you” I couldn’t help but wonder every time someone commented on how good I looked  - how bad did I look before?

And that’s the curse of the compliment. Even though your intention may be to make someone feel good by commenting on their appearance – in business at least - you are just as likely to leave them feeling less than positive or even embarrassed as a result. So tread with care. Stick with less personal observations – “I love that color on you”, “Fabulous hand bag!” “That outfit rocks!” rather than comments that highlight the ongoing effort that many of us make to look good “Have you lost weight?” “You’ve colored you hair!” “Do you do Botox?”  And keep the comments to one-on-one conversations. While it may be true that people are always assessing our personal attractiveness, few people want to have that point made prominently in a business setting. If you feel compelled to make a public utterance on someone’s appearance, keep it to a general “You look great.” “You look well” is even better as it implies good health rather than hours at the gym and the beauty salon.

Rest assured, in business situations few women want to suddenly have their personal appearance become the latest topic for a group think-tank session!