Sunday Bloody Sunday

Where is the line between not raising your child to be a selfish person and being one yourself?

I think it may be more a tightrope than a line and Liam and I seem to walk it every weekend and fall of it about 3 o’clock on Sunday. It’s our witching hour, the trough of our weekly cycle, our low point.

I know this – I don’t like it and yet somehow I rarely seem to be able to prevent us from ending up there, which just frustrates the hell out of me because I know that it should be the exact opposite. It should be Monday morning you dread, right? Not Sunday afternoon.

For the first eight months of Liam’s life my beautiful niece Dominique lived with us – and so Sunday’s were the kind of day I’ve always believed they should be – fewer responsibilities and more time for fun and relaxation. But when she left and it became just Liam and me on the weekends, the departure of his nanny on Friday afternoon began a 50 to 60 hour stretch when it really was just him and me. I once saw another mother’s Facebook post in which she admitted that she hated the weekends and I felt the kind of horror that you do when someone has given voice to an unspeakable truth. To say that the time you spend alone with your child is not the most precious time of all seems like violating a basic tenet of good mothering. But six years in to my single parent experience I can still say that by the time we are hitting 40+hours of each other’s company – things are getting tense.

I know that much of the problem is based in my personality. I’m a loner, who lives mostly in my head and who always has a long list of things on my ‘to do’ list. I push at life – and by the weekend there usually ain’t a whole lot of energy left. Now that I think back to what weekends were like before Liam came along I can see that they were time I gave to myself. More often than not I didn’t engage with the rest of the world and many times I didn’t even venture outside for at least one whole day. It was my time to unplug, to destress, to stop. To recharge.

All I Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

It's been an age since I posted. This is a busy time of year for me. That means the juggle is even more hectic than usual and you just don't get to do all the things you would like to do.

One of the things that I didn't get to do was attend Liam's kindergarten curriculum night last week. I was sorry to have missed it for a number of reasons. Last year (pre-K 4) I really didn't have any idea what curriculum night was supposed to do and I was very new to the whole issue of how I as a parent am supposed to relate to the school I send my child to. This year I have more complete views on both of those things and I have spent some time educating myself on the whole issue of what should be covered in a core curriculum. There is as little consensus on this as there is on the whole question of what environment children learn best in. If you're interested - I found the book "What Your Kindergartner Needs To Know" by E.D. Hirsch Jr. and John Holdren to be a great resource. It fits with my growing sense of how involved I need to be in Liam's education in order for it to be as fully rounded as I want it to be.

That doesn't mean I'm looking to front up at school and start double guessing the teacher. One of the most interesting aspects of last year was that Liam was put in a class with a teacher that was widely renowned as being God's gift to children - and for several months I didn't like her at all. On one of my first interactions with her I took Liam to class and watched as she told him his "sleep toy" was too big and he should have brought a smaller one that would fit in his cubby. He was so excited to bring that toy because it was a gift from someone special and her tone had his lip trembling and his eyes leaking within seconds. The next week I spent some time talking with the teacher's aide as I dropped Liam off, only to have her interupt and admonish the aide from the back of the room. She was altogether so unfriendly at drop off time that I stopped even trying to interact with her. At that point I thought "well she's certainly something that begins with B but it's not brilliant."

But as the year went on I saw what a wonderful teacher she was and how Liam was blossoming under her instruction and learning about things I never would have expected to see in a pre-K curriculum. Modern art, Greek mythology, French history. I also learned that my one on one interactions with my son are nothing like what a teacher who was 16 5-year olds in a class is dealing with. By most measures Liam is an extremely easy going kid - that's not true of all of them. A key aspect of what kids learn in school is how to operate effectively in group situations. And as a parent I learned that what I initially think of the teacher is far less important than I once thought.

But that doesn't mean the teacher is always right - or that you can abdicate responsibility for your child's education to any teacher or any school and then take the approach of criticizing when it is not what you want. Hence my greater interest in understanding exactly what the class will be covering in the pre-K curriculum. A few weeks back the mother of another child in Liam's class ran into me at a local store and asked what I thought about the educational content of an upcoming field trip. She clearly did not see the value of it and it overlaid a more general lack of comfort with the whole school approach to education. (Liam's school is at the crunchy granola, whole child, non-competitive end of the spectrum.) To be honest I hadn't even thought about the field trip but I am an advocate of the "learning through play" concept and the need for shcool to be fun and engaging for 5 year olds if it is to instill a lifelong love of learning.

And so I was happy when the following paper was included in the packet of information that Liam's teacher sent home because I missed curriculum night. It doesn't cover the content of the year's lessons - but I think it describes the approach pretty effectively. I like the distinction between wisdom and knowledge. Remember - knowledge is recognizing that a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable. Wisdom is knowing you still don't put it in fruit salad.

Why I Blog on Ordinary Days

A few days ago after my sister discovered my blog - she asked me why I was blogging. She said she "got" how just the act of writing about my life and my experiences helped me to process them but she was curious as to why I wanted to do it publicly. Part of it is the commitment factor. Even though I am a writer, I have never been able to consistently keep a journal. And yet when I look back at all the photo books I have created - particulalrly the ones I have done since Liam was born - I see how much they provide me with a link to thoughts and feelings that would otherwise be forgotten. Writing does that even better - and blogging is like publishing, which I know how to do and know I will stick with. So that is one reason why I blog.

The other is just that, as I get older, I long for the sense of community that comes from being with people that see the world the way I do and all the joy that comes from building friendships and helping and supporting others through everything that life throws at us. In the course of my day I come across a lot of things that make me laugh, make me cry, make me angry, make me wistful..... and my blog is my way of sharing them in the hope that they bring joy to someone else, or help them cope with something they are finding challenging.

One of my dear friends is a lady I get to see all too little as she lives in New Hampshire and we are both busy working moms so there is never as much time to chat as we would like. But she touches my heart each time we speak - or even email. This week she sent me this. The Gift of Ordinary Days needs no introduction. I loved it. I hope you do too.

Art and Attitudes - Pre-K Style

There is a wonderful art association in our town that holds art camps all throughout the summer, which Liam just loves. Week-long camps that are divided into half day sessions – they are perfect for the attention span of 4- and 5-year olds. And they teach them to make some really cute stuff. Lots and lots of really cute stuff! The only downside – if you could even call it that – to this is that they bring home that really cut stuff by the trunk load and by the end of the summer your house ends up looking like the behind the scenes shot of a disorganized pre-school.

Liam, naturally, is very attached to all of his wonderful creations and wants to keep them and – much as I love a pristine home – consigning them straight to the dust bin seems too hard-hearted even for me. So they hang around for a while – just long enough for the attachment to fade just a touch – and then we effect a compromise. Liam gets to pick the three pieces he really can’t bear to part with and all the rest get digitized (I scan or photograph them) and then they are given a fond farewell.

The photos make their way into his annual Shutterfly album and last year we had so much we even published a special Shutterfly book – Liam’s Art Alphabet. We assigned one letter of the alphabet to each art work and plugged the holes (we did have to get a bit creative with naming some of the objects – how many things actually start with ‘X’) until we had all 26 letters covered. Liam took the book to his first show and tell for pre-K very proudly. It’s a great idea all round. We get to keep an accurate memory of all his wonderful youthful creative in a form that Mommy can neatly put on the bookshelf -  (which is much more to her liking than constantly trying to work out how to dust a paper machier fish!)

Postcards From The Edge …. Of The World

We just got back from a Disney cruise. It was our second and it won’t be our last. As someone who always loved to travel I used to look at people who went on cruises with a befuddled lack of understanding. In fact I even recall saying (rather pompously I’m sure) that being on a cruise ship must be kind of like getting stuck in a crowded cheap hotel. Then I had Liam. Travelling with the pre-school set is just a whole other experience and in my book cruising stacks up very favorably against all the other options. No trying to keep a 5 year old quiet and still for hours in a plane or a car. No having to deal with luggage with only one hand because you need the other one in contact with the child at all times. Just 24/7 kid-friendly food and entertainment and the knowledge that no matter what your child does some kid has been sure to have done it there before so you don’t have to die a thousand deaths of guilt and embarrassment. Everyone on this trip “gets it” when it comes to kids which just lowers the stress factor enormously. The fact that Disney Cruise Line actually also does a great job of making sure there is a good range of adult food and entertainment is just a bonus as far as I’m concerned.

Liam and Goofy - Not quite captain material

We sailed to the Bahamas and a hot topic of conversation on the journey to Port Canaveral to board the Dream was who would be “driving” the ship. Liam considered all the Disney characters finding reasons why or why not they would make a good captain. When he came to Goofy he got rejected because he was too… well….goofy. Liam was convinced he would drive us over the waterfall. This concern was repeated numerous times and it wasn’t until the third day of our trip that I worked out what he meant. We were looking out at the horizon as the ship left the dock and we could see another cruise ship that had been docked next to us and had left about half an hour earlier. It was sailing toward the horizon. “Look  Mom” Liam cried. “They’re going to go over the waterfall.”
Sometimes we forget that the world looks different through the eyes of a child…..

Let Me Get This Right, My Brother’s A Dog?

I recently received one of those emails that leave your heart in your mouth. A dear friend told me about how, some months earlier, her beloved - and previously docile - border collie had attacked her infant son, biting him on the face so severely that she had to rush him to the emergency room. Fast forward to the end of the story and all is well – her son bears no permanent injury and only the faintest of scars beneath his eye and she has found a wonderful alternative home for her pet and this weekend will hand the dog over after extracting a promise from the family that they will return her if things ever don’t work out. M remains, however, wracked by grief, guilt and distress about the whole situation and, as she puts it, is “scarred for life.”

Any friend would have her heart strings tugged to hear of such an ordeal. It was particularly sad for me because I have had my own share of struggles integrating my “blended” family (I have one son, two dogs and two cats) and, as their weekly groomer at the time, M played a key role in helping me keep it all together when I wasn't sure I could.

M with Aspen and Mardi

Having seen all the challenges I faced once Liam was born M was well aware of what to expect once her own son arrived and, as an animal professional, she was as well equipped as anyone could be to manage those challenges. And still it went sour.

The general perception is that kids and dogs go together and there is a long list of positive factors associated with teaching children the responsibility of caring for an animal. But in my experience it is a rocky road when the dogs came before the kids.

Just Do It

Ready to go.....

My life is peppered with what I call Nike moments. You know the slogan. Just Do It. I often end up giving myself that advice to combat the kind of latent paralysis that I experience in the face of something I don’t want to do. Laundry. Changing light bulbs. Giving the animals their monthly flea and tick treatments. Exercise.

Ah exercise! It’s my daily Just Do It moment. I have the phrase written out and taped to my computer monitor and I know what it is there for. I wish I were one of those people that consider exercise a gift that they give themselves. Intellectually I get it and yes I really do feel that sense of accomplishment when I have ticked it off the list for the day. But for me it’s something that I mostly do because of the very negative effects of not doing it. An obligation. Another chore. At some point in the aging process you change from going to the gym because you feel like it to going to the gym Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 6 whether you feel like it or not because the gal in the mirror is telling you to get there and to get there fast!

I’ve tried the gym membership since I became a Mom – but it hasn’t stuck. Work demands means that it never sits well to be off exercising during business hours and taking the time away from being with my son isn’t appealing either. I feel I get little enough time with him as it is. So for me exercise required a more creative response that allowed me to exercise and be with Liam at the same time. That's a level of multi-tasking that takes some thought. 

Tooth Fairy Facts and Fantasies

It's gone!

Liam lost his first tooth last week. As the kind of person who plans Halloween parties in March and shops for Christmas decorations in August, there are few childhood development stages that I have not been fully prepared for and eagerly awaiting – but this one caught me completely off guard. Losing teeth? Wasn’t it just yesterday that he was getting teeth?? Memories of new chompers being tested out quite inappropriately during feeding were still fresh in my mind....


I was so surprised when he first told me that his tooth was loose that I texted my pediatrician to ask what was up. He told me it was a little early (Liam is five and a half) but not unprecedented – seems I was just asleep at the wheel on this one. Within a couple of days it was out. Gone in the night. Literally. We never did find it and I can only surmise that it was swallowed.